February 2012
1 post
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American Idol Season 11 - Top 24 (Guys)
It’s time to get back to that singing competition we all love. The Sing Off? No, a different one. The Voice? No, a different one. The Glee Project? No, the other one. Star Search? No, something from this generation. Platinum Hit? That was more about writing. You know what? It’s American Idol. We have 307 guys to get through. We can’t be sitting around guessing singing competitions all day.
It’s...
January 2012
2 posts
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December 2011
2 posts
12 tags
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November 2011
1 post
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October 2011
1 post
4 tags
Reasons I Haven't Texted You Back
Recently, someone was annoyed by the fact that I don’t always text back. Here is a list of reasons why I probably didn’t text you back:
You Are Spam - I don’t know how spam finds me in text form. I guess they have an autodialer or a really persistent bunch of girls who are so interested in getting with me that they can’t take the time to spell check. Either way, I...
September 2011
1 post
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August 2011
2 posts
4 tags
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June 2011
2 posts
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Major Appliance Store Says I'm Bad Parent
We had a major appliance store come out to the house yesterday to clean our dryer vent. I don’t want to say the company’s name so I will mix up the letters to throw people off track. Only tremendously good word jumblers will be able to crack this code.
So three guys from Arses (pretty fitting) show up - 2 guys to do the cleaning and 1 guy to upsell me into other services. The upseller...
May 2011
6 posts
3 tags
Quotes For Shy People
Fantastic Tweeter, John Moe (Follow him), created this fun Twitter game. I partook.
Ask not what your country can do for you. Wait for someone else to ask it. Someone’s bound to.
You miss 100 percent of the shots you were right to not take.
When one door closes, wait outside and your only friend will catch you up on what happened in there.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s...
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American Idol Season 10 - Top 3
Each singer this week got to sing (sort of) three songs. One song was the singer’s personal pick, then Jimmy “The Manchild” Iovine picked the second, and the judges picked the third. Beyonce was the mentor for the first song and anti-Gaga-ed her way through it. She merely praised and moved on. Really the perfect addition to Season 10.
Singer’s Choice:
Scotty McCreery – “Amazed” – He chickened out...
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My Apology to Yo Gabba Gabba
Dear Yo Gabba Gabba,
I wanted to apologize for yelling at you yesterday. I know you were just providing your usual snack time entertainment. You see, my daughter was choking on a piece of bagel and I was smacking her back trying to get it out. You didn’t seem to care. Foofa was singing some happy song while my whole world was crumbling down.
I mean, you can see why I screamed, “Shut...
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American Idol Season 10 - Top 4
Each contestant sang two songs for the second week in a row. One and a half contestants took the second song (from the songbook of McOld and Oldstein) seriously but that doesn’t matter to the judges. I have a lot to say so let’s not waste time on the intro.
James Durbin – “Don’t Stop Believin’” – He’s the insecure kid that got picked on in high school and now that some people say they love him,...
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American Idol Season 10 - Top 5
“Now And Then Week” is great because it allows us to hear these people sing a new song badly and then an old song badly. I kid. I kid. (Except about James and Jacob.) The good news about tonight is we finally got our Idol moment of the season. It’s too bad it came from someone the producers are doing everything they can to send home tonight.
(This is going up late because I got a...
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April 2011
7 posts
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American Idol Season 10 - Top 6
Carole King Week should be a gimme week. I mean she’s written so many songs that none of the people who actually vote for American Idol have heard of. “Wait was she before Mariah? Wow. That’s old.” Well the producers may not know what they audience wants in terms of songs but they do know what they want in terms of background musicians. This marks the third straight appearance by the ripped...
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These $3 Clothespins Suck
I almost wish I had written this. It is so well done and definitely worth the time it took him or her. Someone on Amazon went off on these clothespins. Their existence ripped at her soul. Also, my wife and I ordered these in spite of the vitriol.
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American Idol Season 10 - Top 7
Songs from the 21st Century is a mixed bag because there are some old songs (Jacob) that no one wants to believe are from this century. Next year I hope they do Songs on America’s Top 40 Right Now. Anyway, the judges tried their hand at judging tonight and it wasn’t too bad. While Steven Tyler still told everyone they were “beautiful,” I felt like there was something brewing deep inside. Don’t...
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American Idol Season 10 - Top 8
It’s Songs From The Movies Week and we were spared this year from Brian Adams, Aerosmith, and The Bodyguard soundtrack but that doesn’t mean it was good. This season has people with much better voices than previous seasons but they don’t do anything fun with the songs. They just sing them karaoke-style. I don’t know what the super team of producers is doing during the week. I think they just stand...
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American Idol Season 10 - Top 9
It’s Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Week and it was actually very solid. I’m surprised. With no Candlebox or B-52s in the Hall of Fame, the amount of good songs to choose from is limited but they found a way.
Jacob Lusk – “Man In The Mirror” - He doesn’t want to make people have sex with each other. He’d rather make people look in the mirror and judge themselves. He needs to hold up a...
March 2011
10 posts
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American Idol Season 10 - Top 11 (Again)
Elton John Week is not going to be good until Elton John comes to mentor. The problem is that Elton is Will Hunting and each mentor is the professor. Elton knows how to do the songs and he doesn’t want to have to sit there and watch those kids mess it up. There were some good and some bad and two will go home. I was way off last week. It’s time to hunker down.
Scotty McCreery –...
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American Idol Season 10 - Top 11
Every year they do Motown Week and every year, it is one of the worst weeks. How can you find modern artists when you force them to sing these songs? Next week, your favorite songs of the Globe Theater minstrels.
Casey Abrams – “I Heard It Through The Grapevine” – It was better than last week. He sung more than he screamed. He just needs a little more grooming. It’s like being serenaded by a...
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American Idol Season 10 - Top 12
Tonight’s theme was “Songs From The Year You Were Born” which just makes me feel bad about how old I’ve gotten. I had a lot of these songs on cassingle. Oh that’s a word, Spell Check. Google it. While JLo decided to give a little criticism this time, the contestants should have gotten a lot more of a beating than they did.
Naima Adedapo - “What’s Love Got to Do With It” – Speaking of beatings,...
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American Idol Season 10 - Top 13
This was Sing The Songs of Your Idol Night or, in the cases of Ashthon and Thia, Sing The Songs of The Person The Judges Compared You To Last Week And Say They’re Your Idol Night. Either way. The judges managed to give some criticism this week but it is still severely lacking in what these contestants need to get better. This season makes all the previous years when Randy said, “I...
Anonymous asked: Does your baby have a twitter account? I want to read what she thinks!
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American Idol Season 10 - Top 24 (Girls)
I am already annoyed with this new season of Idol. While I think the talent level is leaps and bounds better than last year, the judges are doing nothing to make these singers better. There is no criticism. It’s like there are two Paulas and a less-interested Randy. I have barely liked anybody thus far but I actually see potential in them. This is where the ghost of Simon Cowell will haunt...
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American Idol Season 10 - Top 24 (Guys)
It’s that time of year again. Time to dust off the old judgment fingers and type up my feelings on the new crop of American Idol contestants. I have two favorites and they both have beards. Let’s get to it as I only have until my daughter wakes up from her nap.
Clint Jun Gamboa- “Superstition” - First song with the big band and it showed. The band overpowered him like most...
February 2011
2 posts
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January 2011
8 posts
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Tor's Pick Up Line #5
Hey sweet thing, you can call me meningitis because you’re about to get bed ridden.
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Tor's Pick Up Line #4
Hey baby, how about I go on a crash diet and take large amounts of estrogen because I’d really like to get in your pants?
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Tor's Pick Up Line #3
Hey baby, I brought you some toilet paper for your dress because you are wearing the shit out of it.
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Tor's Pick Up Line #2
Hey, this might be forward but my penis saw Se7en for the first time last night and, for its own piece of mind, it needs to check for Gwyneth Paltrow’s head in every box so what do you say?
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Tor's Pick Up Line #1
Hey ladies, I hope you follow Equal Opportunity Hiring laws when it comes to private investigators because my friend and I know a couple of small dicks aching for some action.
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Tork You: Waste Management
We’re starting a new thing here at Tor’s Take where we rant about something that’s bothering us. So today’s (and the first ever) Tork You! goes to Waste Management.
My daughter was fading her way towards a nap when a Waste Management truck came in and started picking up our complex’s recycling. Oh, clinking of glass, how you instantly wake up a baby. Thanks for...
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December 2010
5 posts
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The Moment of Tooth
Ignore that title, it’s time to get serious. My daughter cracked her first tooth today which means we are guaranteed 1. Very exciting. Having one tooth makes a world of difference. Here are some things she can do with one tooth that she couldn’t do yesterday with zero teeth:
Pierce the skin on my finger that she has merely gummed until now.
Take out a $5 loan from a bank in...
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chunkamonka asked: Your blog has given me and my boyfriend quite a few laughs :) Keep it up!