This was Sing The Songs of Your Idol Night or, in the cases of Ashthon and Thia, Sing The Songs of The Person The Judges Compared You To Last Week And Say They’re Your Idol Night. Either way. The judges managed to give some criticism this week but it is still severely lacking in what these contestants need to get better. This season makes all the previous years when Randy said, “I didn’t get it” seem like a separate 15-page explanation for each note the singer let escape from his mouth.

Lauren Alaina - “Any Man of Mine” - It wasn’t terrible but she’s better than this. Steven Tyler said it needed to be more “kick ass” so that should help her figure out what she messed up this week. The way she reacted to the tepid response from the judges, it seemed like this was the first time in her life that someone didn’t tell her she was fantastic. Sixteen years of having non-stop smoke blown up your rear is a good run. She should take it.

Casey Abrams - “With A Little Help From My Friends” - I know I love this guy but I actually felt like he wasn’t entirely into it. I know he said that he believed Joe Cocker was inside of him which for some reason brings me right back to the episode of the Wonder Years where Kevin and Winnie do it, but I didn’t buy it. It sounded fine but he looked bored.

Ashthon Jones - “When You Tell Me That You Love Me” - I don’t know why the judges like her. She is actually terrible. Notes will never press charges against her because she doesn’t hit them. I think I’ll start calling her an F-va because a D-va is passing. Also, it’s “candle” not “candole.”

Paul McDonald - “Come Pick Me Up” - Everyone has a bad week, right? I don’t know this song so I listened to the original on YouTube. He sang it very much like the original so I guess he didn’t bring anything new to a fairly boring song. His stage movements are beyond weird. Can we give him a guitar or a temporary lower spine injury? Better luck next week.

Pia Toscano - “All By Myself” - Her intro package looked like the trailer for She’s All That-er. The pulled back ponytail. The glasses. Who would want to take her to the prom? Ooooo, she DOES clean up good. She sang beautifully but why was she wearing a cape? Is she a superhero? Probably not. My superheroes would save me from Celine Dion.

James Durbin - “Maybe I’m Amazed” - Badam Lambert rocked this song. I don’t want to like him but he didn’t overdo it and it paid off. This may have been the best of the night. That handkerchief tail was really holding him back. Now if he could just stop pandering to the audience, I might start rooting for him.

Haley Reinhart - “Blue” - She sounded just like Leann Rimes but I guess that’s what happens when you sing the song that you learned how to sing on. It’s the same thing for me and “More Than Words.” I can’t help but sound just as enchanting as Extreme. My problem with her is her stage presence. She looks like she perpetually getting ready for her yearbook photo.

Jacob Lusk - “I Believe I Can Fly” - So the truly religious guy idolizes a guy who pees on 14-year-old girls? That doesn’t seem right. Jacob appears to be a genuinely nice guy but he needs to be reigned in. That song was oversung. No fish for him.

Thia Megia - “Smile” - This started off very nice, much like last week. She should just sing the first verse of every song. She can even sing 2 or 3 songs a night as long as it’s just the beginning. That ending was awful. I don’t know what that was. I feel like we should rub her face in the mess she made on the stage.

Stefano Langone - “Lately” - I want to comment on this but I don’t understand what it was. Stevie Wonder committed suicide just so he could have a grave to roll around in. Also because he gets his sight back in the afterlife. Someone should convince him that he’s singing for his life when the public votes, too.

Karen Rodriguez - “I Could Fall In Love” - I’m pretty sure she’s going to murder Jennifer Lopez, stuff her, put her in her room, and install a speaker that plays JLo affirmations. Marc Anthony better keep the light on when he and JLo make love just to make sure Karen hasn’t snuck in. She’s creepy. Did they find her on MySpace or Craigslist?

Scotty McCreery - “The River” - He constantly winks at the audience like he’s in on a joke. Can he take his stage time and tell us the joke instead? I’m all for it. I don’t dislike him. I don’t care about his turn good or bad. That can’t be good, right?

Naima Adedapo - “Umbrella” - This was the ultimate in “What the heck is happening?” I love this song and I’m wondering if that love skewed my feelings about the performance. I kinda liked it. It was confusing at times because I wasn’t sure if I sat on the remote and changed the station to where she was singing a different song. I’ll give it a thumbs up though.

Bottom 3:

1. Ashthon Jones
2. Karen Rodriguez
3. Thia Megia

Going Home: Ashthon Jones