Posts tagged pregnancy
Tor's Take
Where I put things that I think about stuff.
New Video: Justin Bieber’s Uncle Wally really misses Justin and wants to confess something that’s been bothering him. This is his first video blog.
Tor Baby Countdown: 46 Days
Tomorrow, my wife and I are attending childbirth class. I hesitated signing up for this because I felt like everything I needed to know was taught to me by Zack Morris when he delivered Mr. Belding’s baby in the school elevator. If Zack Morris can deliver a baby and keep Tori calm in the aftermath of an earthquake, how hard can it be? Then again, he got 1502 on his SATs.
I’m guessing we will learn the basic breathing techniques. Your traditional hoo hoo hees. One problem: My wife gets dizzy very easily so I’m concerned. I’m going to have to sit next to her with smelling salts throughout the birth. Nothing but the doctor saying “And pus- Is she out again?!?” and me bringing her back.
I hope they teach the non-birthing attendees how to avoid getting their hands crushed. Scientists have found that a pregnant woman’s grip has the same force of an adult African elephant’s step in a stampede. Adding in the heat that a pregnant woman generates, she could turn coal into a diamond. (This is still in the trial phase. Pregnant women don’t like to hold dirty things while giving birth.)
This is an elephant sitting, not a pregnant woman.
Maybe the hospital provides a fake hand made out of the same material they make sex toys out of. They make them very realistic these days. My wife can squeeze one of those instead and I won’t need X-rays. The birth is going to cost enough.
Never would have thought this would be in my baby blog.
We actually aren’t interested in learning about the delivery. My wife and I agree that the baby will come out and the doctor will tell us what to do to make that happen. It’s like landing a plane. It works out no matter what.
We signed up for these classes for two things - to see the maternity ward and kind of get our bearings and to get some quick tips on handling a newborn. It’s important to not bring the baby into the world in a place the parents have never seen. Babies can sense discomfort. As for the tips, I don’t really remember everything from home ec class when we carried an egg around for a week.
The new home ec eggs are crazy.
It’s an all-day affair so I might live tweet it if they let me have my phone. If you want to tune in, follow me.
Tor Baby Countdown: 67 Days
Pregnancy causes very vivid dreams for the mother-to-be. Recently my wife told me of a dream where the doctor found a pair of scissors when he reached in to get the baby. We all know that babies should not play with scissors until they are out of the body. That’s just common sense.
Sadly, this picture was easy to find.
It’s the nightmares that are the hardest to deal with. All of your fears about parenting and the baby being ok manifest themselves into these horrible pseudoexperiences. Last night I had what I would call a sympathy nightmare (and doctors would call a regular one).
It starts in our house and everything seems really pleasant. Our daughter is there meaning the birth had been a success. Way to go, Dream Wife!* So Dream Wife is holding the baby and the baby is cooing. A storm quickly rolls in. There is thunder and lightning. The wind howls. The power goes out and the house is shaking. The dogs are bothered by the storm and running in between Dream Wife’s feet while she shakes and paces with the baby. Dream Wife makes funny faces to try to distract the baby from the storm. Just then, one of the dogs darts past Dream Wife as she steps forward. That’s when it happens - the baby laughs for the first time. At her!?!
I woke up in a cold sweat. I looked over at my sleeping wife and I resented her. I’m the one that’s going to make the baby laugh first. I’m the comedian, not her! She can law the baby all she wants.** I was disgusted. I mean, will funny faces really be enough to make my daughter laugh? Really?? Because I expect a sharper, smarter sense of humor out of her.
I vow this to you, readers. I will not pander or kowtow to my daughter. I will make insightful and humorous infant-related observations. Things that will make her think. I will earn those laughs.
“Don’t you just wish sometimes that you can marry a burp. No spouse can ever make you feel that good. Am I right, babies?”
“I was hanging out in a Pack N Play the other day. Have you ever been in one of these?”
“Swaddle’s a funny word. Swaddle. Swa…ddle.”
“I’m not from here originally. I was actually born in a mother’s womb. Oh, you too? Which mother? Yeah, I had to get out of there. It’s a wet heat.”
“What’s the deal with a changing table? We put you on it. We take you off it. But you’re still the same baby!”
Maybe funny faces are the way to go.
* Dream Wife was (and is) my actual wife, just to clarify.
** She’s a lawyer for those readers who don’t know us which is a large contributor as to why Dream Wife and Actual Wife are the same person.
NoBuddies - Pregnant Girl Part 2 (Episode 8)
Wondering how Cal will handle being a dad? Don’t know what I’m talking about? (Click here, jerk.) Welcome back. Good, right? You still didn’t watch it. Come on! It’s good. Do it. Do it. Do it.
The second part of pregnancy episode. Will Cal do the right thing and be a father to Alexis and his baby? If you’ve been watching NoBuddies at all, the answer is no.
Bill - William Franke
Cal - Kevin Tor
Girl - Sue White
Gray - Sean McCormack
Alexis - Catherine Nicora
Directed by William Franke
Written by Kevin Tor
Music - “Flow is Special” by rockamic (ccMixter)
NoBuddies - Pregnant Girl (Episode 7)
We’re up to a very special episode of NoBuddies. Watch NoBuddies. Hit 106 in NJ says it is “very funny.” Seriously, they said that. I don’t know if they want to go on record as saying it but I’m not waiting for an answer.
Will there be a NewBuddy in the apartment 9 months from now? Gray is pulling for no.
Cal - Kevin Tor
Girl - Sue White
Gray - Sean McCormack
Bill - William Franke
Alexis - Catherine Nicora
Directed by William Franke
Written by Kevin Tor
Music - “Flow is Special” by rockamic (ccMixter)
